Thanksgiving has now passed, Tubby. You can put the turkey leg down and pretend like you're only eating like this because "it's the holidays" and "you're just putting on your winter weight" and not actually "just developing diabetes" and "super-sizing yourself out of last years clothing". Piggy please... 

    After Halloween, Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because it's revolves around a wonderful little invention called sin. Then again, so is every major holiday that I can think of. 

    The seven deadly sins are deftly represented in the days we choose to celebrate and delve into unabashed revelry of our dark side. 

    The sins will be noted with their initials. If you can't figure out GL, or GR..than put this newspaper down and go play on the yellow dotted line on the freeway.

    Let's explore this socially endorsed frivolity, in no particular order...except chronologically. 

    Thanksgiving (GL,S): Turkey day just screams gluttony and sloth. Some day the genius think tanks at Kraft or Butterball will just invent a intravenous gobbletastic dinner and we can then melt into gelatinous blobs on the couch watching the Detroit Lions get eviscerated like that tasty bird sitting spread turkey on the table next to you. 

    Black Friday (GR,E,A,GL,P): Yes ladies! Debilitating debt is only a few blocks away! Quickly and with pre-approved credit cared in hand...run away from your families on Thanksgiving so you can buy buy buy their love and affection! 

    

    Christmas (GR,GL,E,P,possible icky L) The mother of all the pointless holidays...I'd say Xmas shows true signs of impending Armageddon. If there was a Jesus, he would probably turn the other cheek and vomit at what "His" birthday celebration has become. Greed, Anger, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, and Lust if you count women with a beard fetish. Nothing says love and family tradition quite like children crying on the lap of a drunk mall Santa...

    New Year's(GL,L,A): DUI and drug induced delirium. What a wonderful way to embrace the new year...with a renewed sense of hope and the delight of a $10,000 fine and a seven year itch on your DMV record. There will be checkpoints. If you think you might be tipsy, you are. If you think you're Elvis. You're drunk. Take a cab. 

    Groundhog's Day(huh?): This is a baffling observance. Other than a good Bill Murray movie and a way for people to misspell the word Punxatawny, I have no clue or use for a rat telling me about the weather. That's what fat guys in checkered blazers are for. 

    Valentine's Day(GR,GL,L,P): The dumbest of Hallmark holidays and yet we continue to pretend like February 14th means something. This "holiday" should mean something only to ad execs and cherubs with archery gear. Adults with half a brain should just laugh it off and buy her flowers for no reason. Trust me on this one. 

    St. Patrick's Day(GL,P,L): This is another asinine holiday that really only pertains to people in Boston who drink green beer and then beat each other up, only to then cry, hug, and profess their undrying love and devotion to Tom Brady and Big Papi. Schmucks. 

    Women's Equality Day(P): What?!? When the hell did this happen?? Next thing you know they'll want to vote...

    Columbus Day(P,GL,GR) Celebrates the first European explorer to set foot on north American soil. Where he then murdered everyone he met. 

    So the next time you feel pressure from an ad pointing out how inadequate you are if you don't hand over your rent money so that your family or loved ones will know how much they mean to you...then let's just start celebrating one holiday a year: Exterminate Advertising Executives Day. It's every day. 

Let's start tomorrow....

 

    

 

I saw this posting on a website about 1st Street...and remembered the situation immediately. So...I couldn't help but respond to this particular patron....

"I was very disappointed in your bartender - "I don't want to name him". He not only disrespected and embarrassed me in front of my wife, but actually threatened me and would not give me the name of the manager or the owner. I definitely felt violated tonight. I am a 37 year married man and could not believe what happened to me tonight. I actually tried to contact you the owner, but would not give me your name or number. He told me that he new who I was and where I lived because I paid with my credit card. I am now contacting my attorney as I have filmed the most of the confrontation."

and my response..

“Dear Shawn...”

To Whom It May Concern... I'm the bartender that you're speaking of in your review of 1st Street Bar. Let me take this opportunity to respond to the allegations you made against myself and the establishment.

The entire situation can be summed up with my choice to stop serving you because I felt it was unsafe to do so. I was neither rude nor confrontational, and as I do with any customer I stop serving, I told you quietly and to the side so as not to embarrass you in front of other customers. I even gave you the option to stay and continue playing pool, if you so chose. 

Instead, you decided to attempt to coerce another customer into unknowingly buy you another cocktail. At that point, I politely reminded you that you'd been cut off, at which point you became belligerent, so I offered to get you a taxi cab and told you calmly and quietly that it was in everyone's best interest that you leave the establishment. 

Cut to 15 minutes later with you calling the bar no less than 14 times to file complaints against myself and the doorman working that night. With each call, you made another false claim against myself and the security professional working the door. 

At one point, you claimed that I kicked you out of the bar because you were dating my ex-girlfriend. Which is strange because you're married and my ex-girlfriend lives on the east coast. The SD Sheriff's department was called (by you) because you made a claim that the doorman and I were threatening you with violence and that we planned on "beating you the next time we see you out in the surf", which was an odd thing to fabricate seeing as how neither of us surf. 

As for embarrassing you in front of your wife...that must have been done at your home because you were by yourself in the bar, and also alone when you came back with a video and digital camera to "document the harassment" you faced at the bar. 

To the claim about not giving you the owner's contact information, yes, I absolutely did not do that. It's against protocol and isn't something they deal with on that level. I did however give you the name of my manager and his contact information. 

As to knowing where you live...no I have no clue other than your claim of being a "local" and living up the street. Yes, we do know your name because you paid with your credit card and the fact that you called 14 times and your name was stored in the caller ID. 

I hope this addresses some of the concerns you have and I also hope this illuminates what actually happened that night and doesn't sway other people from coming in and enjoying themselves at the bar. Unfortunately, this is just another byproduct of dealing with certain patrons who can't control themselves nor accept responsibility for their actions.

 Thank you...

    I have a sneaking suspicion that Curious George's owner, The Man With the Yellow Hat, is a drug dealer. 

    Or at the very least, he's probably a pimp because I don't know any other person that would wear a canary yellow suit, yellow tie, and a big brimmed yellow hat if he wasn't peddling something illegal. 

    Since some of you don't have children, you might not quite understand the following words, terms, and spectacular frustration that I internalize on a daily basis(usually thrice daily, to be exact).  If it doesn't make sense now, it might later on...so feel free to laminate this column and just keep it on your person. But I digress....

    Back to the eerily calm(I.E. prescription drug abuser) The Man With the Yellow Hat. What I have a hard time believing is that he hasn't beaten George with a baseball bat and thrown that furry little jerk off a bridge yet. If my daughter, Samantha, had caused even a small portion of the enormously exorbitant "accidents" that chimps been guilty of, I would have sold her off on the black market a long time ago. 

    With Google's tentacles slithering through the inter webs, it seems I've pierced TMWTYH's seemingly innocuous alias to find out that his name is really Ted Shackleford. Which sounds like another alias to me. How many layers does Yella Hat have?  

    Maybe he works for the CIA. I don't have a clue what he does. I've seen him walk around a museum like he owns it. He's even been an astronaut, a chef, and a bird watcher. But he owns two homes and lives a fairly extravagant lifestyle for a guy without a day job. 

    He sure as hell seems to have a lot of access for a guy that dresses like a banana and has a monkey for a best friend. Then again, maybe that why George sticks around. He's waiting for his chance to gobble that big banana. God, that sounded bad. Moving on...

    Dora the Explorer (is that really supposed to rhyme?)is another one of the cartooned propaganda programs that seemingly breeds inside my Tivo and is able to bore its way into my skull where it remains entrenched for weeks without any relief in sight. 

    Oddly enough, Dora's best friend is also a monkey but his name is Boots because...yep, he wears boots. She's also real chummy with a Map from her backpack that has the stupidest theme song I've ever heard. Just say, "I'm the Map" five times, and you've now memorized that musical gem. Fred Flintstone is rolling over in his bedrock coffin...

    Now that I think about it, Dora's entire existence seems like a really freaky acid trip. She talks to a lot of animals and inanimate objects and is constantly afraid of a masked bandit-fox whom is aptly named Swiper. Swiper is even more inept than fan favorite and uber-violent Wile E. Coyote because the children ward Swiper off simply by saying, "Swiper, no swiping" numerous times. Then they cut to Swiper snapping his fingers and saying, "Awwww man!" 

    More like, awww man, will you stab me in the ears and eyes so I don't have to watch this show anymore? 

    I guess this is just a way of me saying I miss all those violent, misogynistic, racist, and stereotypically offensive cartoons of my youth. At least those were fun and our parents could quietly chuckle at all the adult humor that was flying over our innocent little heads. 

    Well, at least Barney's dead and those daffy gullible Christian's killed off The Teletubbies. So we've got that going for us, which is nice...

Dell Can Kiss My Ass

Here's a little bit of advice if you buy a Dell laptop.

While you're logging on, buying all the accoutrements and gushing about how wonderful they are...make sure that you buy six or seven battery chargers for said laptop...because that is the greatest scam that I've ever seen. I'm on my THIRD charger now and I've had my Dell laptop for about three years.

So...yeah. I'm buying a Mac. Dell can go fuck itself.

Let me just start out by saying that if you've liked reading my column in the past, then you most likely won't like this one.

Though I'm not a bitchy liberal or brain-dead conservative, you might think I'm the devil incarnate for voicing the things I'm about to press on with. That being said, proceed with caution...

I'm going to start off by saying that this column isn't going to make anyone smile. It's not going to be funny, or pithy or sarcastic. It might make you think, but it's also going to paint me into a corner that I'm still not sure I want to stand in. But writing a column means expressing your opinion, regardless of how unpopular that opinion is.

Though I hate conservative Republicans with a seething devotion, I have to say...with a grim apologia mind you... I think I agree with some of the things they have to say about immigration.

Here's where your mouth drops open and you can't believe I'm siding with disgusting, close-minded brainless assholes.

Those sprightly portions of thought going through your head right now are mostly right. I'm not sure where I joined the fold either, but I know the thoughts I have are definitely my own.

Don't get me wrong, when it comes to religion or their idiotic hatred towards science, I think they're a bunch of old men who've closed their eyes towards rational thought and just prayed to get reelected.

But pretending I feel otherwise would be lying to myself...

Okay, in a nutshell...here's the issue: If you want to be an American citizen, then do it legally. Simple, right? Go through the appropriate process, respect the necessary course of action and appreciate the procedures that we've put in place to make sure you're here for the right reasons.

"But what about all the people who are struggling to make a better life for themselves?"

Here's what they won't tell you...we all want a better life. It's how the world works. But our society is governed by rules, and I don't rob banks, steal from work or put myself above the law just because I feel it would make a better life for myself or my family.

Here are another set of rules: If you want to be an American, then you have to follow the same laws as every other single immigrant to the United States and not listen to opportunistic attorney's looking to make a name for themselves by making a case for illegal immigration.

Here is the infuriating, I'm-annoyed-for-having-to-include- this-caveat-in-my-column: NO. I don't care what color you are. If you're from Sweden. Tough shit...enter legally. If you're from England. Tough shit...enter legally. Canada? I couldn't care less about how much poutine you try to bribe me with. Your skin color means less to me than the disgusting politicians who're pretending they care about you obtaining citizenship.

Procedure is there for a reason. Walking through airport security in a suit and holding a briefcase is the same to me as jumping a fence and hoping I.C.E doesn't catch you gliding illegally into our country.

When it comes down to it, I have a simple homework assignment for you. Try to legally, without a student visa, find a job in another country without bringing either boatloads of money or a very specific (I.E needed) skill that the country needs to further its infrastructure. Trust me, I tried. They shut you down without cause, care or compunction...completely.

Though it's popular meme to utter and it feels like the right thing to say in our political climate...illegal immigration is still just that: illegal.

I know I sound like an evil, cold-hearted troll for actually writing what I feel, but that's exactly what my column affords me...the ability to freely speak my mind, regardless of what your opinions are.

So I'm asking you to think about the words you've just read. Some of you will agree, and some of you won't. I'm fine with that.

But ask yourself...if your first act as an American is breaking the law, do you really deserve to hold that title?

    With all the panic about the economy lately, it sure is nice of Mexico to help divert the attention away from our sickly bank accounts with something that could potentially remove the upright, two legged swine from the planet.



    Finally!



    The more television I watch or newspapers I read about the subject, it seems like they're just trying to sell more ad space. When the loopy folks that rely on Fox News start trying to understand terms like pandemic, zoonotic, H1N1, people tend to get paranoid and stock up on canned goods, water and shotgun shells to eventually fend off the oinking zombies that are sure to shuffle across the countryside.



    The media only recently began calling it the H1N1 influenza because the pork industry was upset and felt like it was getting a double helping of bad publicity. Really? I'm not a pig farmer or nutritionist, but I'm fairly certain that any product that comes from Babe the Pig isn't going to be good for me.



    Isn't that part of the deal we have with our curly tailed brethren? We look past the sleeping-in-their-own-poop, and they let us enjoy parts of their body with scrambled eggs and toast.



    Is this their version of a P-I-Jihad against the humans for cannibalizing them for centuries? Pigs and jihad. How ironic...who knew Muslims had a legitimate reason for hating ham? They somehow knew around 622 A.D. that the hogs would someday weaponize their flu bug and spread it to the planet via pig farmers. Yeah, when pig's fly...        



    Wait..pig's flying...swine flu...flew?!?! I knew it!



    But seriously, when it comes down to dealing with this sort of scary bogey man media blitz, it's always a pretty safe bet to take a step back and review the situation with a clear head before making any impulsive decisions regarding holing up in a bunker, stocking  up on canned goods and waiting for the Miss Piggy epidemic to eradicate a third of the world's population.



    Science and rational thought have gotten us through more that a few health issues over the years. Let's trust the doctors and scientists to do their jobs while we remain calm and take appropriate precautionary measures.



    Plus, bacon comes from pigs and everyone loves bacon, right? So how bad could this be?

   
   


    Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahhaha...ha..hahaha...oh wait? You were serious about that?!?

    That's what I thought when I heard about the impending discussion regarding lowering the drinking age in the United States.

    Apparently, there's been a debate raging in the past few years about lowering the legal drinking age from 21 to 18. Over 100 university presidents from well-known stiff-twig universities like Dartmouth, Duke, and Ohio State are all on board saying that they think by lowering the age three years, it will persuade college students to drink in moderation.

    I heard drinking Drano and punching yourself in the nuts is a good idea too.

    As a libation professional who has a distinctly strict reality when it comes to alcohol and social behavior, I'm going to go ahead and vote that you're a mental deficient if you think that's a good idea.

    Shocking as it may seem, the youth of America are at best obnoxious and ill-informed. Now when intimate with the actual possibility of giving them LEGAL access to alcohol and local watering holes that help them  ascend to the level of "wasted idiot", then yeah, kudos...you did a great job protecting our nations youth.

    Can you imagine graduation day from San Dieguito Academy? How exciting! Caps gathered and thrown into a bag with rumpled gown, replete with tassels and frills from a high school career since matured.

    Instead of going to a handful of parties, our fresh faced grads filter down to the local bars and do their best to ring in a new era of their adult life by drinking themselves into a blackened oblivion punctuated by arrest sheets, public intoxication, and an ignorantly naive hope that someone isn't going to die as result of drinking and driving.

    Unfortunately, these kids don't know the first thing about responsibility or a life lived without Mom or Dad's hand on their every movement.

    So, on graduation day, guess what I would tell every single one of my security personnel? Do not, under any circumstances, let anyone under the age of 21 into the bar. And we have every right to do so with a simple sentence that is every lawyer's dream...

    We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

    Or if they wanted to get creative, I'd ask the doorman to make something up, lie, I really don't care what it would take...but there's a bottom line here folks: Regardless of age, I really don't want someone in the bar who can't control themselves and yet I think that's the definition of a high school graduate. Someone who has yet to understand the appropriate parameters for controlling one's self.

    ...And here comes the gigantic hypocritical portion of my argument: I think that America should start letting their children drink even younger.

    If you've had a  beer when you're twelve, then I have a succinct feeling that you also know how to handle your intake of alcohol and understand the adverse affects of over-indulging.

    Put simply...if you don't start letting your children sample a sip of beer or a taste of wine at the dinner table while they're growing up, then it's only going to thirst their taste of the forbidden when they're nearing the age when they can actually do damage to themselves or others.

    Suds or vino, booze and aperitif..it's all relative culturally. We do our best to protect our children, but at what cost? I've been to enough places around the world to know that we're sadly behind the rest of the planet in maturity and a social understanding that moderation and experience is what helps us to make an informed decision.

    Maybe we just need a few drinks to catch up with the rest of the world. Might help us realize it's not all bad, unless you tell us it is...





   

...and just watch a few videos by this guy..

Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL) .....Wow.

Like I've said more than a few times...if there is a God...which I'm pretty sure there isn't...


Please tell him to hit: CTRL-ALT-Delete

We're a failed experiment, too greedy to continue...and too pervasive to end of our own accord.

You Should Probably Watch This...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0IV651z1wk

Just watch...all twelve. Don't ask why, just do it. Like brushing
your teeth...it's good for you.